Can You Take It All Away?
by Sophia Lestat
Summary: Songfic based around Puddle of Mudd's 'Blurry'. Rated 'M' for brief language, character death, self abuse, non-consensual sex, graphic imagery. Please do not read if you think you may be offendedaffected by these subjects.


**Disclaimer:**

The characters and places from the Harry Potter series of books are the property of J K Rolwing. I'm only borrowing them. I promise to return them to the toy box when I'm finished.

'Blurry' is (a fantastic tune) the property of Puddle of Mudd (truly amazing band) and again, I'm just borrowing it. Please don't sue me.

_Everything's so blurry  
And everyone's so fake  
And everybody's so empty  
And everything is so messed up  
Pre-occupied without you  
I cannot live at all  
My whole world surrounds you  
I stumble then I crawl_

Looking out at the bleak, snow-covered grounds, the boy was oblivious now to the tears that seemed to fall constantly. He'd spent so many nights here, comforted by the soft hooting of the surrounding owls as they swept in and out hunting for mice. It had been only minutes since he saw her last, but it felt like an eternity. He knew she could never be his, only his, and had long-since come to terms with that but it didn't make seeing her any easier. She went about her life, unable to comprehend the aching pain she inflicted on him.

As he buried his head in his hands his sobs came in great, dry gasps. He beat his hands against the wall, relishing the physical pain that enabled him to feel something; anything but the aching emptiness he felt every time he left her. The rough stone wall had left wounds before, scars cleverly disguised by Glamour charms re-opened and searing pain bringing him to the very edge of his mind. The pain stopped his tears abruptly as the old wounds opened up and the Glamour faded. Red strips spilled blood onto the ground at his feet as he rested his head against the cool stone. Grimacing he stood and left the owlery, the effort of replacing the Glamour charm taking every ounce of strength he had left. It was a complicated spell, but one he'd perfected over the last two years.

_You could be my someone  
You could be my scene  
You know that I'll protect you  
From all of the obscene  
I wonder what you're doing  
Imagine where you are  
There's oceans in between us  
But that's not very far_

Alone in his bedroom, Hogwarts' Head Boy stared at his reflection in the mirror above his bureau. Only three hours ago he had been laughing, joking, flirting with the object of his obsession; she was oblivious. Only three hours ago he'd felt happier than he'd ever known, intoxicated by the mere presence of her, yet now…

The bath ran hot, too hot, bubbles overflowing onto the polished tile floor of his bathroom. As he stripped his robes from his body he ran his hands almost lovingly over the scars spread over his skin. Some old, some new, some concealed by the Glamour, some too stubborn to be magically concealed.

As he stepped into the bath pain rushed through him as the hot water hit his skin. His flesh turned quickly pink then red, almost scalded by the water. He didn't care. All he knew was that this was better than feeling the way he had for the last six years. Lost, alone and rejected. He submersed himself in the bath, the heat relieving the aches of his body but filling him with the burning he yearned for on nights like this.

The water turned pink as blood seeped from the cuts on his hands, a metallic tang from it filling the air. He surfaced and lay still for a while, thinking about nothing, his eyes unfocused and dull. Before long his mind ripped images of her from his memory and played them before him like some macabre picture show. The first time they'd met; the countless times after that; the sight of her growing into the most stunning creature he'd ever known.

_Can you take it all away  
Can you take it all away  
Well you shoved it in my face  
This pain you gave to me_

As he lay in bed that night he imagined she was with him. His tortured mind ran through the possibilities, the endless fantasies he shared with no one. His muscled body almost shone in the moonlight, soft silver light contrasting with the midnight-blue shadows across his chest which picked out the scars of his abuse perfectly. He ran his hands over his broken body, wincing as the cuts on his hands protested forcefully. He delighted in the pain it brought though, mixing with the pleasure he found in imagining her there, her perfect face poised just below his navel.

He slept in a cold sweat that night, woke to sheets drenched from restless nightmares punctuated by fleeting, tantalising glimpses of what he imagined she was. Woke to find the cuts rapidly healing. Woke to find the physical pain gone and only the aching emptiness left.

_Can you take it all away  
Can you take it all away  
Well you shoved it my face_

Breakfast and classes passed in a haze. He lived for the evenings when he could visit her common room and be close to her for even a moment. Tonight however he would be disappointed. Tonight he would leave the common room furious, confused. He didn't know that yet.

He ate hastily; rushing to get back to his room quickly, repair the Glamour, shower, and change.

Studying his reflection he decided tonight would be the night. Tonight he would tell her. Tonight he would stop this, put it to rest once and for all. He didn't know.

Stepping into the common room he was greeted with warm hellos, but his ears ignored them and his eyes searched the room. She wasn't here. She was always here! He asked her friends who giggled and told him she'd gone on a date. A date? But she was his…wasn't she? His mind wrestled with the images that now flashed before him. Her with someone else, buried so deep in someone else's arms.

He left without saying goodbye. Her friends watched him, confused. He didn't care. Moving swiftly he walked towards his room. Once there he collapsed in front of the toilet, vomiting uncontrollably. His mind was the most awful place to be. The fantasies he had played a part in he now watched from the outside, an unwanted onlooker. In one of them she even called out to him to join them. Screwing his eyes tight shut he mumbled to himself, incomprehensible babble spilling from his mouth. His breathing came quickly, too quickly, and he lay down on the cold tiled floor. Casting a brief silencing charm on the bathroom and locking the doors hysterical screams issued forth from his tortured mind. He screamed and shouted until he was hoarse and sweating from the effort.

In the calm that followed he fell asleep; awoke as someone different.

_Everyone is changing  
There's no-one left that's real  
To make up your own ending  
And let me know just how you feel  
Cause I am lost without you  
I cannot live at all  
My whole world surrounds you  
I stumble then I crawl_

His thoughts chided him for his plan, told him it was wrong but he was too far into a haze of furious hysteria to care. He didn't eat breakfast that day, nor did he attend any classes, sending a school owl saying he was ill. He paced back and forth through his room, the plan in his mind growing stronger, and the last rational thought leaving his head after a final attempt at stopping him.

Evening fell all too slowly for him. He lay naked on his bed again, picturing her perfect form above him as he worked himself towards ecstasy.

After showering and dressing he sat calmly on his bed. His mind needed no more convincing. He was absolute in his decision. Standing slowly he cast Glamour over his wounds one last time and appraised his reflection in the mirror. As he smiled at himself he was calm and poised for the first time in weeks. The Glamour had worked its usual magic and his scars showed no more than his increasing heartbeat.

At two o'clock that morning he left his room.

_You could be my someone  
You could be my scene  
You know that I will save you  
From all of the unclean  
I wonder what your doing  
I wonder where you are  
There's oceans in between us  
But that's not very far_

Creeping through the corridors he made his way to the school broom shed. He paused a number of times thinking he could hear footsteps but continued silently on his way.

As he pushed off from the ground the broom felt clumsy at his touch but he flew on, round to her window at the back of the school. His mood lifted as he saw her window open and his heart leapt as he gazed upon her sleeping form. So tiny and so perfect, clad in a vest and shorts and lying so conveniently within his reach.

He climbed swiftly through the window, closing it noiselessly behind him and casting a silencing charm on the room. He went to the door and set the wards he used on his own room making it impossible to enter. He did the same with the window then crept towards her bed. The sight made him catch his breath. Her hair fell in waves behind her on the pillow; the sliver of moonlight coming through the crack in the curtains followed the curve of her breast making him ache with desire.

Silently stripping off his robes he held his breath as he climbed onto the bed beside her. She murmured quietly in her sleep and turned over, unknowingly facing him. He reached out and brushed a strand of hair away from her face. She stirred again, a brief smile flitting across her lips. His breath came quicker now with the reality of why he was here. He wanted to touch her, taste her. Moving slowly towards her he put a hand on her hip and pressed his lips to hers. She moaned softly and willingly opened her mouth to his. He almost exploded with desire and pulled her roughly to him, waking her instantly. As her eyes opened and reality hit her she cried out. One hand was over her mouth in a matter of seconds, the other still grasping her hip and holding her to him.

"No good," he told her hoarsely. "They can't hear." Wild panic flew to her eyes as he pushed her onto her back and knelt astride her. Strong, toned arms held hers to her sides; sculpted thighs pressed her own legs down on the bed. He leant towards her, desperate to kiss her again. She thrust her head to one side, sobbing as he loosened his hold with one hand and pulled roughly on her hair so she faced him again.

"I've waited too long." His voice was cold, so unlike the friend she knew and she shivered at the sound. When he lowered his lips to hers she didn't protest this time, let him take the kiss he wanted so much. He moaned as their lips touched again, his obsession finally becoming more than a fantasy. He forced his tongue into her mouth and deepened the kiss, pausing to bite her bottom lip. His desire drew him away from her mouth and he knelt above her again, relishing in the power he felt sitting astride her, the fear in her eyes. He was glad she was afraid…how dare she betray him! His hands pulled her vest frantically over her head and exposed her smooth, pale skin. He fell onto her breast, teeth nipping painfully at her. When she cried out he grinned at the noise and moved to lie beside her. Pulling her head towards him he kissed her again, his mind racing at how easily she submitted to him. Part of him wished she would fight more, and as if reading his mind her tiny fists beat at his shoulders as she pulled away and leapt cat-like from the bed. He lay on his side and lazily watched her as she pummeled the door with both hands.

Rising from the bed he moved slowly towards her. Only inches away he placed both hands on her breasts, gentler this time, reveling in the softness of her skin. Without warning he moved a hand swiftly to her throat and pinned her against the door, her eyes wide with horror.

"You can't fucking leave," he whispered. "I'm not finished." He drew his hand away from her throat and slapped her hard across the face. As she fell to the floor he watched with satisfaction.

_Nobody told me what you thought  
Nobody told me what to say  
Everyone showed you where to turn  
Told you when to runaway  
Nobody told you where to hide  
Nobody told you what to say  
Everyone showed you where to turn  
Showed you where to runaway_

Gripping her arms tightly he pulled her easily from the floor and threw her towards the bed. She landed awkwardly on one ankle and cried out in pain. His heart leapt. Good, she was hurt.

He strode towards her and dragged her roughly onto the bed. Ripping her shorts from her body he smiled as she lay there, naked and highlighted in the moonlight. As he rid himself of his boxers he crawled onto the bed next to her.

"I'm doing you a favour," he murmured, his mouth an inch from her ear. She started crying again, her tears only causing him more pleasure. He moved between her thighs, aching for the release he'd dreamt of for so many nights. As he pushed roughly into her she cried out again, serving only to quicken his movements. She screamed out at the pain, the rough act bruising her inner thighs. He paused for a moment to lift her hips higher and push deeper into her. He moaned at the heat, the feeling of finally getting what he deserved. Of course he deserved this! He'd been a better friend than she could ever have hoped for and he was right to expect some kind of gratification for it. As she gripped the sheet her knuckles turned bright white, her face contorted with pain. He didn't care. He only cared about his own release, his own payment for the years he'd given her.

_This pain you gave to me_

As he gazed at her bruised and broken form he lay blissfully on her bed. The scent of her filled the room and he lost the last slight grip he'd had on sanity.

He stood from the bed and walked to where she was huddled in a corner of the room. She turned fearful eyes towards him and shrank further back into the stone. He knelt and lifted her face to his, kissing her tenderly, a lover's kiss.

Dressing swiftly he glanced back once at her. How beautiful she was! He walked over to the window where he'd left the broom hovering. It felt like days since he'd crept through this window. He turned back to face the room, a vacant smile on his face. His heart was pounding as he flourished his wand and released the charms and wards protecting the room. Taking one last look at her he turned and climbed onto the windowsill. The broom was still there. He stood on the ledge for a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in. He knew what he'd done was wrong, knew he should have spoken to her, knew he should have valued their friendship. The vacant smile filled his face as the boy who lived jumped gracefully from the ledge, leaving Ginny in sobs behind him.

The air rushed past him for mere seconds before he hit the ground. The Glamour immediately ceased, and the ages old scars appeared alongside the fresh cuts on his hands; the wind caressed his hair away from his forehead, exposing the first one of all.

_You take it all  
You take it all away...  
This pain you gave to me  
You take it all away  
This pain you gave to me  
Take it all away  
This pain you gave to me_


End file.
